Breakups are always hard to process, no matter which side of the “it’s not you, it’s me” conversation you’re on. And while it’s true that breakups can help you channel new, healthier energy by journaling, seeing a therapist, or spending more time at the gym, breakups can also trigger not-so-healthy behaviors. (Ahem, drunk-texting your ex and/or posting spicy Instagram captions about them.)
Though many people have different opinions on the stages of a breakup, the truth is that there’s no definitive timeline for healing. For some people, it could last months, and for others, it could last years. But if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that the no-contact rule is the best, most effective, and healthiest way to get over a breakup.
Below, we spoke with experts on why the no-contact rule is the best way to move on from a breakup. As you continue working through your breakup, allow me to suggest reading PS’s guide on how to handle rejection and investing in these post-breakup books, too.
Experts Featured in This Article
Leah Carey is a sex and intimacy coach.
Jenna Banks is an entrepreneur and author of “I Love Me More: How to Find Happiness and Success through Self-Love.”
Chloe Ballatore is a relationship and communication expert.
What Is the No-Contact Rule?
The no-contact rule is simple: do not contact your ex under any circumstances. It doesn’t matter if it’s their birthday or if you just ate at their favorite hamburger place; as soon as you agree it’s officially over, it’s time to delete their contact info, block them on social media, and go completely MIA. Why? Because you and your nervous system need to mourn the loss of this person.
On a neurological level, your brain develops “certain patterns and habits” in a relationship, sex coach Leah Carey says. For example, when you receive a promotion at work, you would likely call your partner to receive a hit of oxytocin from their praise and support. When your boss is being a dick, you might cuddle with your partner to calm your nervous system. After a breakup, it takes a while for your brain to process that you can no longer turn to that source of pleasure and security. For this reason, the no-contact period is vital in order for you to to break this habit and attachment.
Plus, it provides an opportunity for you to learn how to self-soothe and meet your needs in other ways. Perhaps you’ll train for a 5K and find new endorphins that way. Maybe you’ll speak with a therapist who helps you better manage your anxiety. Whatever happens, these are good, necessary revelations that come from not relying on your ex to soothe or validate you.
Which brings me to my next point: the no-contact rule works the same way the phrase “out of sight, out of mind” does. Sure, you may be thinking about your ex frequently in the beginning, but eventually, if you’re not consistently seeing them post about their dog on social media, it will be easier for you to forget about them in the first place. And if you know your ex can’t reach you, you’ll be less likely to hold out hope that they will try to reach you.
“Keeping contact with your ex will only keep a bit of your energy focused on them because of the emotional connection you once had,” Jenna Banks, author of “I Love Me More,” says. “The no-contact rule is an excellent boundary for protecting your energy: it’s about healing, getting your power back, and then protecting your energy.”
Even though the no-contact rule may seem petty, extreme, or unrealistic, it’s worth prioritizing your emotional wellbeing in order to fully recover from the breakup. And honestly, if it helps you, who cares how “petty” or “dramatic” it seems to someone who isn’t even in your life anymore.
How Long Should You Go No-Contact With Your Ex?
If going without contact seems daunting to you, consider trying it out for a period of at least eight weeks. Relationship expert Chloe Ballatore tells PS that eight weeks “is the average amount of time you ruminate between your heart and your head, meaning you won’t be able to think clearly until at least eight weeks of no contact.”
If, at the end of those eight weeks, you’d like to reach back out to your ex, more power to you. But what’s more likely to happen after those eight weeks is that you’ll realize how much better you feel without them — or, at the very least, the thought of your ex won’t make you sick with anxiety like it did before.
Signs the No-Contact Rule Is Working
You don’t think about your ex. Ultimately, you’ll know that the no-contact rule is working if you find yourself not thinking about your ex as frequently as you once did. In the early stages of a breakup, it’s understandable if you find yourself being reminded of your ex significant other often, but as time goes on, and as you commit to no-contact, you’ll know this rule works when you think of them less than you once did.
You’ll start to see the negative sides of your relationship that you maybe didn’t see before. Oftentimes in relationships, people have blinders on that prohibit them from seeing the truth about their partner or the relationship because it may hurt them. (Think about the times when your friends have warned you about something you didn’t see in the moment, but then later realized they were right about.) Once you go no-contact, the blinders will wear off and you may begin to see why it was a good thing for your relationship to end.
You feel more at ease and less anxious or depressed. By going no-contact, you are letting yourself go “free” of having to worry about this person anymore. You no longer have to worry about how they feel about you, their whereabouts, what they’re doing, and this may make you feel more at ease than when you were actually in the relationship.
You enjoy the no-contact. You are taking up new hobbies, finding new interests, and spending more time with friends and family without having to worry about anyone but yourself — and you genuinely feel happy and more fulfilled doing so.
You don’t feel inclined to get back together with them right away if they contact you first. If your ex contacts you after being no-contact, and you find yourself hesitating to engage with them again, that is a good sign the no-contact rule is working. This shows that you have a boundary and guard up that is allowing you to look at the situation with your head and not your heart to fully question if contacting this person again would be beneficial for you.
Ultimately, I’m not here to tell you definitively what to do and what not to do. You’re in control of how you proceed after a breakup. But what I can say that is that when you focus on yourself, do what makes you happy, and find new things that bring you pleasure when a relationship is over, you may begin to see your ex for who they really are: someone who should probably remain an ex.
